Happy Boris Halloween

All Boris breaks loose...



  Happy Boris Halloween 

The final straw broke when my cousin Boris broke my final straw...

''' And both of my shins. '''

''' “You idiot! You broke my shins, and that straw was in mint condition,” I yelled at him. I was as mad as my wife was at me when I didn't show up for our wedding. '''

''' “Me am sorry,” he said crying on the floor. “Let me am give Nikola CPR,” '''

''' “No No!!” I screamed as he sat atop my ribs. It hurt as much as my wife punching me hurt on our makeup wedding day that I also neglected to attend. '''

''' “You can get some help for me,” I pleaded with him. '''

''' “Okay,” he said and ran down the hall. '''

''' I quickly crawled into a nearby closet. Boris returned in a fit. He slapped the walls yelling, '''

 “Where am Nikola.” 

''' He hit the closet door and it imploded on me.It was followed by the whole weight of Boris. I screamed as all of my ribs broke with Boris laughing madly and crushing me with his overpowered hugs. '''

I woke up a month later with Boris breathing on my face. I was fed up with him. I curled up my fist and punched him in the nose as hard as I could. I heard two snaps; one was my knuckle which felt like it was made of glass, and one was Boris’s nose. He frowned and started to cry. He ran out of the room crying while I applied (and drank) a local anesthetic (pure alcohol/vodka) and turned on the news. Boris was already destroying the hospital. Alexi (head of the KGB) ran up to me and told me to stop Boris.

''' “No, Boris is crazy,” I said. '''

 The news then showed Boris throwing my limo into my helicopter 

“I’ll see what I can do,” I told Alexi

''' I ran down the stairs following Boris’s destruction path. I found him in the parking garage smashing my Maserati. In retrospect, it was bad for me to keep so many cars here, but parking in downtown Moscow cost .16 crowns more per day. '''

“Wait Boris” I yelled as he closed in on my Lamborgini.

“Nikola am beating Boris up,” he cried.

“What can I do to make you feel better,” I asked him

“Could Nikola take tracker out of Boris’s leg?” he whimpered.

“Let’s not get pushy,” I told him.

“What if Nikola am go trick or treating with Boris,” He suggested.

Halloween was tomorrow and his fist was dangerously close to my mirror.

“Okay” I said while sidestepping his hug. He fell and crushed my Mustang.

“Drat,” I said.

''' The night of trick or treating came. I dressed in my full robes. Boris was a piglet. People expressed shock at Boris until I assured them that he was under control. Boris and had I visited all of the house on Oppresion Circle and when we got to his doctors house. Things turned south from there. '''

“Trick or Treat,” Boris said. I had coached him on that phrase for hours.

“Oh, Hello Boris and Nikola,” Veterinarian John said.

He turned to me, “Oh, you’re not letting him eat candy are you?” He said in a nervous manner.

“Should I be concerned,” I said turning. Boris was behind me dumping candy into his mouth.

“I would leave, like now,” he said closing the door.

Inside his house, I heard

“Honey get the kids quick, we’re going to the lake house, the FAR lake house.”

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' His car left the garage and sped away. I looked at Boris. He was spinning on the ground with a crazy look in his eye. He was spitting out what looked like uranium. I called in a helicopter and backed away. '''

“Nikola help Boris get CANDY,” he yelled and smashed a hole in the ground. I quivered and ducked as he threw a chunk of pavement at me.

“Boris want more SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!” He yelled loud enough for windows to break.

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' I should have paid more attention to his medical record. He has a history of sugar related incidents. When he destroyed the Kremlin, he had eaten sugary soap. I could always blame the Reformist party, that usually works. My helicopter had arrived, we flew away while Boris threw cars at us. Alexi had called in the KGB and the Czar’s finest were en route as well. From 500 feet in the air I saw tanks approach Boris. He lifted up a street lamp and batted them away. He then threw the street lamp at the helicopter with deadly accuracy. It skewered the vehicle. We were falling from 1000 ft. I grabbed three parachutes, (static line), and threw one to Alexi. He strapped in and I put on both of the remaining parachutes. '''

“Hey, what about me!” The pilot yelled.

“It’s too late,” I said and jumped.

Alexi and I hit the ground about a mile away from Boris. We heard the smashing from here. Meanwhile, the helicopter crashed and the pilot jumped out. He lived.

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' “For your bravery, and making my descent more comfy, take the rest of Boris’s candy,” I told the pilot. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' He thanked me and limped away. He didn’t get very far. Boris smashed through the building in front of him and through the pilot into a wall. Hard. Alexi called in a missile strike by an unmanned drone. The darkness seemed to swirl around Boris as he walked around us getting closer and closer until I threw a piece of candy into the next building. Boris ran to it. Alexi pulled out a laser pointer and pointed at the building that Boris was in. I saw a flash in the dark sky and saw a small object speed downwards toward the building. Alexi and I ducked into an alley as the missile hit. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' The shock was massive, even from here. The whole block was engulfed in fire. We were three blocks away and the temperature had risen by more than 60 degrees. The blast lit up the dark night but in seconds it was gone. Alexi and I looked down the street. We walked up to inspect the crater. In it we saw Boris laying down. '''

''' “He’s dead,” I sang over and over again. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' He opened his eyes. He got up with I slight limp. He had scratches all over his face and a huge bruise on his forehead. He was also clutching his right arm. He was getting closer and closer when a tank blasted him. He flew through a wall and I heard a snap. His arm had broken. The tank was being driven by our pilot. He shot Boris over and over leveling the building in front of him. Meanwhile, a limousine pulled up and took Alexi and I away. The last I saw of the pilot, He was being beaten by Boris like a sack of potatoes. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' “It’s sad to think that the pilot hadn’t given me any candy back,” I told Alexi. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' He agreed. We had arrived. The attack on Boris was being coordinated from here. I ran down to the basement and turned on KGB news. Half of downtown was on fire and Boris was raiding the rocky mountain chocolate factory. He turned to the helicopters descending on him and leaped up into the onslaught of fiery bullets and landed on one of the choppers. He ripped it’s roter off and used it as a ninja star, throwing it through the battalion, creating a fireball of doom going down the whole street. I could see it in the darkness from here. '''

“Call in the KGB Airship,” I told Alexi via radio.

“We may have a new ray of hope, the KGB Airship has just taken off,” The announcer said.

The video showed the airship shooting a column of fire down the street. Bombs were being dropped and the Fighter Escorts were doing strafing runs on Boris. He was stumbling back when he bumped into a huge statue of a life sized me sitting on a throne the size of an office building. With a heave, Boris lifted it into the air. He threw it and it smashed into the airship. The fireball was visible from all over Moscow. Alexi came to me.

“Our countermeasures are not working,” he said.

“What can we do,” I asked.

“Well, we can nuke the city,” He responded.

“Hmm, possible,” I said.

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' In the end, we sent out the last squadron of fighters equipped with F.O.A.B.s and a tactical high tonnage daisy cutter. They were guarded by 18 helicopters and hidden by a huge lance of tanks and war trucks along with 1000 men. Boris was in the park playing in the playground. When the sandbox sand got in his eyes, he yelled and smashed the swingset. Then, he ran into the play fort and cried. He lifted up the slide and smashed into a tree. Then, the lance began firing. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' Sonic booms came out of the darkness. It was as if the whole park was being lit up by a demonic strobe light. Then, the first of four F.O.A.Bs hit. Anything in the vicinity of the playground was turned to dust. Boris was hit off center so he was blown through a forest. The lance fired again and the forest was ripped to shreds. The second F.O.A.B hit and all trees for 1000 feet around were splintered. The third and fourth missed Boris. The lance began to pull back. The daisy cutter was ready. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' No bomb on earth is like the daisy cutter. The shock was enough to reach out of the park and crush everything for a block. Every unbroken window within 1000 ft of the park was shattered. I felt the ground shake from here. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' I got a transmission from Alexi that I was to meet him on the landing pad. A helicopter picked me up and we flew over the blast zone. There was complete carnage. The whole park was smoking. As we descended the smoke rose into the dark night and twisted around the moon. We found Boris unconscious about a half mile from the epicenter of the main blast. Tanks were surrounding him and he was being hoisted into an electric cage. He had been defeated. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' The lance was heading back to sublevel C of the Czar’s Palace. Then Boris broke free. He ran towards the Czar’s Palace. I followed in a helicopter. '''

<p dir="ltr" style="text-indent:36pt;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;">''' I ran inside and saw that the doors had been ripped up off of their hinges. In the entryway, my family was huddled against a fountain. Boris rushed at the fountain and smashed it. '''

“Get your hands off my fountain!” I yelled and punched his nose.

He snapped out of his rage and started crying.

“Okay, what do you want,” I asked him

“Christmas carols” he said

Turns out Eggnog makes him freak out too.