The Dark Day of Boris

Boris had entered his name in a competition where the winner became Czar for a day. He was hoping to win, but Nikola Medvedev kept asking him, “What are the odds that you will win, Boris?” Boris did not know probability because he had been in the lowest mathematics class in his school, so he could not answer the question. One week after he entered, Nikola received a phone call asking if that was where someone named Baris lived.

“Why do you want to know?” asked Nikola.

“Baris won the position of Czar for a Day,” the caller replied.

Nikola asked Boris to write his name on a sheet of paper. Boris’ hand writing was not very good, so it appeared that he had written “Bar is.”

“Yes, this is his house,” said Nikola.

“Please come to the Czar's Palace in one week, or we will be required to give it to the second-place winner, Vedevdem Alokin.”

The line went dead. Nikola told Boris he had won and that they had to go to the Czar’s Palace. Boris was so happy that he went into a crazy rampage around the house, tearing Nikola’s first pair of tigerskin underwear. Nikola, after calming Boris, went to The Little Taste of Russia Mall to buy two more pairs of underwear.

One week later, Nikola was driving Boris to the palace from his house, trying to give Boris as much time to be Czar for a Day as possible. After arriving, Boris was given a short guided tour around the palace and grounds. Immediately after the tour, Boris decided to drive around the city in the Czar’s Limos. He chose the puce one.

He asked the driver to go 50 miles per hour over the speed limit, which was 65 mph, so the driver crashed into a building while turning. The trunk of the limo flew off and hit a car, causing a 10-car accident. Unfortunately, the building had both a weak structure and a weak foundation, so the building fell on the cars as the puce limo sped past. There was a bank with large windows straight ahead. The driver drove straight through the bank, disrupting transactions and nearly killing a few tellers. The limo crashed in the vault, the door of which slammed shut behind it.

Boris called a taxi to take him back to the palace. The ride was uneventful. Boris tried to pay the driver with Monopoly money 5 miles away from the palace.

Meanwhile, Nikola was at the palace talking to the janitor, wondering whether he thought Boris would be a good Czar. The janitor said he had heard that Boris was driving in one of the Czar’s Limos. He did not think that was a good sign. The taxi arrived at that moment and Nikola paid the driver.

Boris decided to take the Czar’s Private Jet out for a spin. He walked into the hangar and picked the larger plane, which was actually one of the Czar’s Bombers . He got in, put on his seatbelt, and asked the pilot to take off. He went “whee” and waved his arms the whole time, accidentally pressing a button that dropped the smaller bombs and fired the missiles. Most of St. Petersburg was destroyed, including the stone arches at the ferry port. The missiles destroyed a nuclear power plant in southern Alaska. He landed at the palace 7 minutes later.

Boris took an Icebreaker and attached jet engines to it so he could go very quickly. He got on and went to the North Pole to watch the Aurora Borealis. He told the captain to go to the “true” North Pole, not the magnetic North Pole, so he could see well. After watching for twenty seconds he got bored and asked to go back. On the way they came to the Czar's Aircraft Carrier, so Boris got into one of the planes. He took off and flew towards the Czar’s Palace. He pressed the ejection button, put on his parachute, and waited. The seat shot him high into the air. The plane crashed and destroyed Nikola’s summer home in Odessa. Boris landed safely on the top of the palace. The Czar’s Helicopters carried him down.

Boris was no longer allowed to ride in the Czar’s Vehicles. He sat around for the rest of the day. When Nikola asked if it had been fun, Boris nodded and asked when the next Czar for a Day drawing would be.

“Never,” Nikola replied.

<span style="line-height: 115%; font-family: 'Times New Roman', 'serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt">Boris was sad.